Tuesday, 21 September 2021

Captain Climate Change and the First XV


“Captain Planet James Shaw is taking 14 officials to Glasgow with him, the first XV of climate change,” says ACT Leader David Seymour.

“Despite COVID-19 being out of control in Glasgow, Shaw has decided to dive in boots and all.

“This is not the first time the squad has gone on tour, this is the 26th COP conference and we’re yet to see them bring home a trophy.

“Past conferences have been a debacle of dropped balls, knock-ons and general handling errors, with all teams unable to convert their possession of many plane tickets and hotel rooms into points.

“Carbon emissions have continued to grow above any targets they’ve set, rather than changing strategy the teams have continued the same uninspiring style of play.

“Rather than a more remote kicking game using virtual technology, Shaw has elected to take the ball into contact, despite the risk of being mauled by the heavy COVID-ridden Scottish pack.

“There have been serious questions over the team’s accommodation with the Prime Minister cancelling hoped for private arrangements. The team will be bunking down in MIQ spots normally reserved for fans.

“We don’t expect this will boost the game’s popularity with thousands of fans stranded off-Shaw, also desperate to return for summer training camp.

“ACT has proposed a simpler and more effective game plan. We should simply use the Emissions Trading Scheme to cap New Zealand’s emissions at the same level as our trading partners and be done with expensive and ineffective European tours.”